LadyFinger

…dipped in moonlight


I started a blog in 2017 after hitting my definition of “rock bottom”. The stories below depict my thoughts, feelings, and experiences during this stage of my life. Looking back now, I needed that rock bottom to create the beautiful, raw, humorous, and unfiltered expressions of my life you’ll find in this blog. I believe every woman has a story, and often those stories aren’t told. I hope that by sharing mine, I can inspire others to share theirs too.

– Melissa


Lady finger dipped in moonlight, writing “What for?” across the morning sky, sunlight splatters, dawn with answers, darkness shrugs and bids the day goodbye.” St. Stephan – The Grateful Dead


All Hail The Holy Kale

Welcome to the United States of Kale, otherwise known as “The Land of the Leafy Green”, which is nowhere near free. Let’s take a moment to bow our heads in silence to pay tribute to The Golden State, Kaleafornia, for pulling the ultimate EUREKA! by resurrecting this prehistoric superfood and making it a staple of … Continue reading All Hail The Holy Kale

The Hermit

Goodbye. Adios. Ciao. Bon Voyage. Sayonara. I’m not sure what language the Universe speaks, but this is me saying “BYE and GO FUCK YOURSELF” to 2017. I had high hopes for 2017. Hopes that were inspired by an epiphany that took place two days prior to the New Year. It was 7:00am on December 30, … Continue reading The Hermit

6 Minutes of Sarcasm & Sass

Dating in my teens and early 20’s was an absolute breeze. In fact, I was never single. I had several boyfriends beginning at age 14 up until half way through my 24th year of life. A solid decade of consistent, back-to-back boyfriends. I’m not talking about high school summer flings, dorm room friends-with-benefits, or honeymoon-phase … Continue reading 6 Minutes of Sarcasm & Sass

Dearest Elliott,

Dearest Elliott, Today is your birthday and I intend to shower you with surprises, gifts, magic and mayhem – in typical Melissa fashion. You’d be 28 today and I can picture it perfectly. Your day would start with a morning Bud Light in the shower while you sing my most hated song, “Drinkin’ a beeeer … Continue reading Dearest Elliott,

Interview With Poseidon

I’m not someone that gets embarrassed very often. Not that I don’t do embarrassing things. I do embarrassing things 24 hours a day. But due to the frequency of my daily personal failings, I’ve learned how to own it. If someone were to ask me, “What was the most embarrassing moment of your life?” it’d … Continue reading Interview With Poseidon

Bumble, Don’t Kill My Vibe

After a series of unfortunate events, I’ve somehow found myself back in the cesspool of online dating. I’ve gone from Friday night sushi dinners with a guy who pretended to love me, to swiping through an electronic pool of men I have absolutely zero interest in meeting. But here I am, swiping away in hopes … Continue reading Bumble, Don’t Kill My Vibe

Do You Even Box, Bro?

I like to eat. I like to drink. Combining those two qualities with my Hispanic genes often results in the inevitable “Fat Mexican Lady” destiny that’s been creeping in on my life since the day my metabolism stopped functioning at the age of 23. This is the same destined nightmare that continued to haunt my … Continue reading Do You Even Box, Bro?

Bagel Girl to Porn Star?

In the Bagel Industry, verbally abusive customers are considered especially heinous. In San Francisco, the dedicated elevator operators who investigate these felonies are members of an elite squad known as the “Vicious Vag Productions”. Here is my story. (🎶DUN DUN🎶) I was 19 years old and crying hysterically in an elevator the day I was propositioned to … Continue reading Bagel Girl to Porn Star?

Cupid Is Stupid

Valentine’s Day is huge. It’s huge in the sense that it’s guaranteed to have some sort of an effect on you, but it won’t always affect you the same way year after year. For instance, it’s nothing like St. Patrick’s Day, a holiday that’s focused on inappropriate pinching, Jameson shots, and the mass consumption of … Continue reading Cupid Is Stupid

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